How to Build a Cheese Board That Is Mostly Fish
Every host knows the feeling. You have invited guests, you have bought cheese, and now you are staring at a board. It is a plain wooden board, and it is not enough. Here is how to build the Fishbone Board.
Step one: the base
Start with the fish. This is not up for discussion. Lay out three kinds in a gentle curve: one silver, one pink and one that is a bit too shiny. Overlap them slightly so that they look both abundant and shy.
Step two: the cheese
Add one cheese. Cut it into a small cube, and place it in the corner, where it can be admired but not reached. The cheese is there to give the board legitimacy. It will not be eaten. If it is, you have under catered on fish.
Step three: the accompaniments
Accompaniments add a sense of civilisation. We suggest:
- A dollop of anchovy paste, in a ramekin of its own
- Three crackers, stacked for height
- A fig, which no cat has ever asked for but which all hosts feel is necessary
- A small bowl of gravy from a tin
Step four: the garnish
Add a sprig of something green. It will be ignored, but it signals effort. The guest of honour will lick the nearest fish and then look you in the eye. This is how you know the board is a success.
Step five: the serve
Carry the board slowly and with great ceremony. Cats will appear from every room. Do not run. Cats know when you run, and it makes the fish seem more valuable.
A good board makes a promise. A great board keeps it, at a lower level, where the dog cannot see.
Pairings
Fish goes well with a quiet afternoon. Cheese goes well with the sense that you might have something better to do. Anchovy paste goes well with anything, including the carpet.
Troubleshooting
If the board has been emptied before the guests arrive, the host has either been very hungry or has a cat. The two are not mutually exclusive.
We offer the Fishbone Board as a pre assembled option for those who find the above too demanding. It arrives on ice and with a certificate of mild regret.
