Introducing the Autumn Counter: Now With a Small Amount of Mouse
Fishbone Fine Foods Deli is delighted to announce its autumn counter. Our proprietor, Madame Odette Haddock Whiskerton, has curated a range of fresh fish, finest treats and a small amount of mouse.
About the mouse
We are aware that the mouse has attracted comment. We would like to be clear that it is a small amount. It is always the same size, always present, and always at the back. It is not a feature. It is a presence.
Customers who prefer not to see the mouse are welcome to look at the fish, which is in front, which is the point of the arrangement.
The new range
This season, Madame Whiskerton has introduced:
- A smoked sprat tower, served on its own rack
- Cold cut salmon in the style of a ham, for nervous customers
- A pie of unspecified fish, sealed under a lid of pastry for dramatic effect
- Cheese, for decoration only
- A single, hand polished tin of sardines, available by appointment
Pricing
Prices are set by weighing the customer’s expression. A customer who looks hungry pays the standard rate. A customer who looks wealthy pays more. A customer who looks like a seagull is asked to leave.
“Quality is a feeling you get just before you pay.” Madame Odette Haddock Whiskerton
Opening hours
The deli is open from dawn to the point at which the fish is gone. On slow days this is closing time. On busy days this is nine in the morning.
A note on freshness
Our fish is as fresh as we can legally describe it. Our staff taste every delivery, and a chart on the wall shows how many have survived. The chart is currently full of ticks.
How to order
Order by sitting politely at the counter and holding eye contact with the person in the apron. This method has never failed. If the person in the apron offers you a paper menu, push it away. Menus are for people with no confidence.
We look forward to seeing you, and to not seeing the mouse.
This announcement is satire. No actual fish, mice or customers were harmed in its preparation. Several were mildly insulted.
