The Case for Anchovy Paste on Everything: A Reasoned Argument
There are people who say anchovy paste does not belong on everything. These people are wrong, and they are also not invited to our Christmas party. Here is the case, made in the plainest terms.
Point one: it is already there
Anchovy paste is in most kitchens, hiding in the door of the fridge, behind a jar of mustard and a sorrowful pickle. It has been waiting for years to be useful. We find it unkind to ignore it.
Point two: it improves toast
A thin scrape of paste on warm toast changes the entire morning. It adds salt, depth and a gentle sense of purpose. Those who say it ruins toast have not tried it, or have tried too much.
Point three: it improves almost everything else
Our laboratory, which is the back room, has tested paste on:
- Eggs, to excellent effect
- Potatoes, to excellent effect
- A slice of cake, with a mixed outcome and a long silence
- A sock, as a joke, which was not funny
- A cat, who objected but later returned and asked for more
Point four: the tube
The tube is the finest piece of packaging in the world. It stands upright, it is easy to squeeze, and it offers a small and satisfying noise. It is also the only item in the deli that no one has ever managed to open wrongly.
Point five: it is a unifier
At the deli, cats and humans of every background agree on the paste. It is one of the few matters on which our staff do not argue, apart from the question of who sits where, who wins, and who is in charge of the radio.
“Paste is not a flavour. It is a philosophy.” Madame Odette Haddock Whiskerton
Objections
Some say it is too salty. We say you are not salty enough. Some say it smells strongly. We say that is the point of it. Some say it should not be given to a cat. We reply that you should consult a real vet about your cat’s diet, but we remain, personally, on the side of the paste.
We stock the Anchovy Paste Tube in a range of sizes, from small to alarming.
