Luxury Hamper Complaints Department: We Read Every One Aloud to the Fish

Fishbone Fine Foods Deli today announced a new complaints process for its Luxury Hamper, Everything In It. The process, described by the proprietor as “thorough, theatrical and wet,” will take effect immediately.

The problem

Since its launch, the hamper has attracted a small but vocal number of complaints. The most common is that “everything” was not in it. The deli has reviewed the matter and wishes to state that “everything” is a relative term.

The hamper contains fish, treats, a tin, a toy mouse, a smaller hamper and a note. It does not contain a sofa. It does not contain the moon. We believe this is within the spirit of the offer.

The new process

Customers wishing to complain may now do so in the following manner:

• Write a letter explaining the problem
• Place the letter in the deli’s complaint bucket, which is a bucket
• Wait

Each Friday, the proprietor will read the letters aloud to the fish. The fish will be given time to respond. If the fish is unmoved, the complaint is closed. If the fish is moved, in the sense that it is moved to a different shelf, the complaint is upheld.

Why the fish

“The fish knows what the hamper means,” said Madame Odette Haddock Whiskerton. “It has been in the sea. It has seen what lies beneath the surface. It will not be misled by a lazy argument.”

Customer reaction

Early response has been mixed. One customer described the process as “deeply moving.” Another described it as “just a woman talking to a mackerel.” A third wrote only the word “fine,” which the deli has chosen to frame and hang by the till.

We do not lose complaints. We lose track of them in a calm and orderly way.

Compensation

Where a complaint is upheld, the customer receives a refund, a voucher or a stern apology. In extreme cases, the customer is invited to attend the fish’s response in person. This has happened once. The fish did not appear.

Contact

For further information, please leave a note on the counter. A cat will sit on it.

This press release is entirely fictional. No real fish were consulted, although several were looked at.