Letters to the Counter: A Customer Writes About the Missing Smoked Haddock
We receive many letters. Most are compliments. A few are bills. This week we publish a complaint from Mr Humphrey Thistledown of Flat 3, who wishes us to account for a missing piece of smoked haddock.
The letter
Dear Fishbone, I purchased a half kilo of smoked haddock on Thursday. When I got home it was gone. I did not eat it. I have one cat. I would like an explanation or a refund. Yours in some distress, H. Thistledown.
Our response
Dear Mr Thistledown. Thank you for writing. We have investigated, and we are happy to provide a full account.
Our records show that you purchased the haddock at 10:42 AM. Our security camera, which is a cat on a shelf, shows you leaving the shop with the haddock under your arm. The camera then shows you entering your flat. The camera does not follow you in, because the camera is a cat and has no key.
We therefore conclude that the haddock was lost in transit between the door and your kitchen. We note that you have one cat. We note also that the cat is named Mr Biscuit. We have met him. He has a face that is not worried.
What we can offer
In the spirit of goodwill, we can provide:
- A fresh half kilo of smoked haddock, at full price
- A voucher for one fish, which is not the same as a refund but looks like one
- A letter of sympathy, handwritten by a staff cat, which means a paw print
A note on policy
Fishbone Fine Foods Deli stands behind every item it sells until the customer leaves. After that, the item belongs to the world, and the world includes Mr Biscuit.
We encourage all customers to carry their haddock above the height of their cat. A high shelf is a good place. A ceiling is better.
In closing
We hope this answers your concerns. We value your custom, we value your haddock, and we value the cat who ate it, since he is also one of our best customers.
Yours faithfully, Madame Odette Haddock Whiskerton, Proprietor.
P.S. Please do not send any more letters by post. The staff have eaten the last three.
