Staff Spotlight: Meet Gerald, the Deli Cat Who Guards the Till

Every deli needs a presence at the till. Ours is Gerald, an eleven kilogram ginger who has occupied the counter since before the new paint. Gerald does not scan items, take payments or give change. He sits. The deli has not been robbed in four years.

Background

Gerald arrived as a kitten, in a box marked “Frozen Peas.” He was named after a regular customer who died and whose ghost the staff believed to be watching. Gerald, for his part, shows no interest in ghosts or peas.

Responsibilities

Gerald’s job description, which he has not read, includes:

• Being at the till
• Looking unimpressed by the price
• Allowing customers to pet him, at a rate of one pet per visit
• Fixing the screen with a long, level stare whenever it freezes

Techniques

The key to Gerald’s success is stillness. Customers entering the shop sense a calm authority, and often pay without checking the receipt. Several have been observed apologising to him for no reason.

Gerald’s most famous technique is the Long Sit. During the Long Sit, Gerald places his weight over the card machine so that it cannot be used. The customer must then wait, and while waiting, buys something else. Management has never once told him to stop.

On criticism

Gerald has been described by one reviewer as “obstructive.” The deli hung the review in the staff room and put a small trophy beside it.

“Gerald is the till. The till is Gerald. The machine is just his hat.” Madame Odette Haddock Whiskerton

A typical day

Gerald wakes at nine. He sits down at ten. At twelve he looks at the door. At two he looks at the clock. At four he looks at a customer. At five he looks at nothing at all, which many consider his finest work.

Future plans

Gerald is expected to retire in the spring, though he has not been told. His successor, a kitten named Prawn, is currently learning how to sit.

Visit the deli to meet him. Please do not touch the till. It is his.